Updated: Apr 7
Men need Male-only spaces to become the Men we need them to be
In April 2021, a few months after the man I really thought was serious about marrying me broke things off I was deeply hurt but not as hurt as I'd been times past when, yes, a similar situation happened. The communication was steady, our values aligned (mostly), and he had made future plans with me in them. I think this man was sincere, I do. He knew I was special, he even said so. He knew I was a one of a kind woman...very rare in a backwards world.
So what happened? Well both he and I made our mistakes...I got too excited and emotionally invested way too soon, and I didn't recognize that this man had an avoidant attachment style. He was a handsome, educated RN, capable, grounded...however, like many men, the appeal of freedom from commitment was too strong. He even came back to me a few times, but his intentions got less and less honorable with each attempt. I realized this man had initially wanted nothing but sex from me, but he met a woman who was a virgin, who was virtuous, who was the "wifey type." This was not his plan. Women were not in his radar for marriage, they were in his radar for sex...he was not prepared to meet "the one" (me) and therefore dropped the ball.
This broke my heart, but it also was an initiation for me...an invitation to come before God and ask the hard questions about the world of men I was attempting to marry into. Listen, it's easy for us as women to get mad, bitter, and dismissive of men who hurt us. To be honest, children do that, and therefore I consider that a childish response, although, very understandable. Ladies, I want to invite you into something deeper.
Being a logical thinker (something natural for me which is great, but pulls me into a masculine nature, but I digress), I didn't want to just be another "diary of a mad black woman." For the record, this man who was courting me was white, as are many of the men in my story: white, conservative Christians ironically. Does this matter, yes and no. It does speak a language to those of you caught in the matrix of racial stereotypes and other dichotomies. It's not necessarily my problem, but it just might be yours. When it comes to how conservative men behave sexually, they are definitely living a double life.
I'll leave that for another post. Let's continue...
"there is an all out spiritual assault on men"
At the end of my face to face time with God, I emerged with a new found compassion for men. He confirmed to me that there is an all out spiritual assault on men because men are the leaders, the princes, the sons of God. He also pointed, that in times past, when it came to adulthood, there was an intentional initiation into adulthood in many tribes and nations. This is often referred to as rites of passage. This is a huge piece of culture missing from modern times...the rites of passage, because Adolescence is a social construct. You are either a child or an adult. This period of initiation not only took the boy from his mother but also made him a survivor; capable of protecting and providing for a family. In cultures that limited sexual access to marriage, this was another layer of initiation to direct men into covenant marriage.
You see ladies, any bio male can procreate...but how many men are looking at all these vulnerable single women out here with a desire to protect and provide? You already know the answer. Men are looking for pussy not legacy.
After receiving this information, I thought well what would a rite of passage look like today? I even asked a few men in my life the question...I got a few responses (thanks Dad!) but most didn't respond at all. Next, I talked to my pastor about what God had showed me about the strategic assault on men and encouraged him to re-start the men's ministry at my church. Praise Ministry Tabernacle in Phenix City, Al. God also directed my prayers for my future husband and the men of my church. My worldview begin to change.
Trust me, this was not easy. I was frustrated at men, even mad at how hard feminism (the break down of traditional gender roles and marriage) had made it for women like me. I was never in alignment with their beliefs. They never asked me what I wanted, they never represented me, yet here I am, affected by their bile. Yet, I am guilty of falling into the realms of rebellious behavior, I succumbed to many of my desires, even if not the act of sexual intercourse. I definitely was not always submitted to God and the principles and statues that were pure and virtuous. Despite how long I've waited for the stability that marriage brings, it was, and is, my responsibility to uphold the virtues that God has blessed me with. Furthermore, as a human being walking after the Spirit, I had to see my issues through the eyes of God, not a wounded woman.
Ladies,the issues affecting our men, our affecting us. It was weird for me to get involved in men's ministry and men's issues. Especially as a single woman. I gave support through consultation, money, and prayers. That's all I could do not being a man myself. In recent months however, I have been so elated to learn there are many MEN talking about the same things that I was worried about over a year ago. I recently saw a YouTube Video by Elliot Hulse about Masculine Initiation (YES!), someone I had previously watched years ago to learn about working out. There is Renaissance of Men (my favorite) the Founder Will Spender did an excellent series on masculine adulthood here. I also love Masculine Revival and much more going on right now and I am so happy!! God saw all this in Feb. 2021 when I was huddled in a corner crying over my generation that did not value marriage, as I had down many times before that day. There is a movement happening towards more God-designed Christian values and I could not be more happy. None of these men have all the answers, no one person does. I am pleased they are taking responsibility in answering the call though.
Love and Grace,